My heart is full of gratitude for 2008. It was by far the best year of my life (so far) as so much of my life has grown. In 2008 I saw a lot of my life dreams became reality. Like: Right now I live in a safe home, a loving home, a kind home--where laughter and creativity are embraced--a happy and healthy boy thrives--a girl cat snuggles--and a momma & poppa genuinely adore one another. What more is there? The bounty of care that I feel--how cared for I feel--overwhelms me a bit. It really is that good right now. I've never had a reality quite like this before and I rather like it a lot.

My present lesson is to let go of the fear of "what if" and just relax into the joy and enjoy.

One of my greatest take away memories from the year:

Howard Pinkerton loves Bella Cinderella


Missing Howie


Meditating with Momma


Bathtime


Beautiful, Beautiful Bella


Our Belly Bean, Beanie Baby, Belinda Carlisle, Jeanie Cakes, Whirl & Twirl, Stink Bug, Princess Lollipop, and Sissy-Cat is four years old. She gifts us with her imagination and silliness--her popsicle toes and endless kisses--her trust and relentless love. We are so lucky.

On Christmas Eve I was smooching all over the boy and said, "I cant' wait till you kiss me back. It will be my happiest day ever."

It happened while we were singing "Oh Come All Ye Faithful". I looked across the aisle at an eight year old boy lost in song. And that's when I was once again reminded that indeed he has come. The light--the light of life--reentered my heart. For that moment I felt the light shine in the darkness and believed in ways that the head cannot comprehend. Standing there, holding Asher, time was still.

How different this year is from last. How much bigger are the feelings--the love--the gratitude.



I am so
very,
very,
grateful.

You know, I've sat on my previous post for about a week. I could neither publish it nor edit it to perfection. So all forms of writing felt frozen to me. I couldn't move forward because of the dangling post. I think this happens in so many areas of my life. I expect perfection the first time out and get really disapointed when it isn't achieved. I wanted a post that would blow my ideals of blogging away--but you know, for starters, I really don't have much of an attention span to spend on my blog entries. I have plenty of ideas--I can write beautiful prose in my head on my way to work--but then when I sit down to perform I can't seem to get my thoughts onto the paper in a meaningful way. Practice is hard. Putting myself out there in the midst of learning and growing is hard. Not editing the small "i" in that post to make it an "I" is hard. I'm hoping this is what the exercise of blogging will bring: Acceptance with being human in the midst of other humans. I hide my life away from others because it isn't polished. In the process of not messing up I miss out on shared experience. I'm trying to try something new. I really want something new.

Waiting...This time last year I was waiting for the arrival of a boy and it seemed as though my entire reality was layered with symbolism. This year I am just waiting for what I am always waiting for. More. More heart. More soul. More authenticity...For my barriers to be shattered and my life shaken anew. And while i do find myself continually waiting, perhaps the poignancy at this particular time of year is caused by the combination of the cold and dark elements meeting created light and music. It aches with bigness. This year I wait with anticipation. I wait with longing. I wait with hope. I wonder if I will recognize him when he comes.

Joy: Poppa, Momma & Baby dancing to Raffi's version of "Jingle Bells".

...Or how about, "Hello, I am a mother now". Well, momma now to a two-legged baby. That is where the time has gone--what it has gone into. And the more that the time has gone by, the harder it has seemed to come and blog...and day by day the anxiety of NOT blogging has grown. Silliness--who cares if I blog or not? Just my future self. I have been keeping a journal becaused that doesn't seem as intimidating-and it is always just there to open and jot down thoughts. So enough about what I haven't been doing, and onto the beauty of what is...



Asher was born last January. January 12th. Two weeks late--another post for another day. But joy upon joy has been poured out of the universe and into my heart. Truly life does not get any better. I am a momma. I have learned that it is all I ever really wanted to be.