I woke up earlier than expected (namely because my life partner came in the room and made a lot of noise) on my day to sleep in, with words in my head waiting to be put down. And then I got out of bed, went downstairs to snuggle my monkey before school, grabbed some tea, turned on my computer, and before writing--read through other blogs. That last part wasn't so brilliant cause I've lost my words and can only think of someone else's...and I should've definitely gone for the coffee instead of the tea. When will I learn?
ok. I'll get coffee and then the words will come back. come back!
Found.
In my last post I shared cracks in my faith. They exist. Right now I am struggling because I'm full of questions and doubt and am really (really) tired of what feels like a never ending journey. But, I've also reached a place where I can acknowledge that--maybe even dwell in it (just a teensy bit)--because even though I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT--I know I'm learning something. And if the God that I say I (usually) believe in actually does exist--they're big enough to handle my anger. and hurt. And why am I sharing any of this? Really, why? Because what I have learned through this process so far is that the side of myself that I love is the side that just lets loose and lets the pit-of-my-belly kind of honesty shine. Even when it isn't reciprocated. I mean that's the part that hurts--to love and not receive love in kind. Yeah, it's a pretty good sting. But, I loved every moment of the loving. And I loved showing up without pretense. That's kind of a new one for me--a new level of maturity that peeked out. Showing up and letting wounds show. Without shame I might add. Or remorse. But with the (growing) wisdom that they're what ultimately make up my voice and contribution. Indeed, I am still growing a life.
Other thoughts on the day:
-I am def going to be changing the design again. Thinking I'm going to be a follower and go w/ the all white like everyone else. I tried :) There's probably a good reason why everyone just goes w/ the all white. It looks better.
-Meeting w/ Kay today. Thank you God (that I usually believe in). I need to borrow her wisdom for sure.
-Wondering if I will be mature and gracious come Saturday morning--Bill's day to sleep in. :) I'm going to enjoy all the possibilities until then.
-Tonight we are going to a potluck at Asher's school. I dread being social--I will worry about it all day--and then go, fall into conversation with a new best friend, and be one of the last to leave. Happens every time.
Pics of my (still) baby last year at the potluck:
ok. I'll get coffee and then the words will come back. come back!
Found.
In my last post I shared cracks in my faith. They exist. Right now I am struggling because I'm full of questions and doubt and am really (really) tired of what feels like a never ending journey. But, I've also reached a place where I can acknowledge that--maybe even dwell in it (just a teensy bit)--because even though I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT--I know I'm learning something. And if the God that I say I (usually) believe in actually does exist--they're big enough to handle my anger. and hurt. And why am I sharing any of this? Really, why? Because what I have learned through this process so far is that the side of myself that I love is the side that just lets loose and lets the pit-of-my-belly kind of honesty shine. Even when it isn't reciprocated. I mean that's the part that hurts--to love and not receive love in kind. Yeah, it's a pretty good sting. But, I loved every moment of the loving. And I loved showing up without pretense. That's kind of a new one for me--a new level of maturity that peeked out. Showing up and letting wounds show. Without shame I might add. Or remorse. But with the (growing) wisdom that they're what ultimately make up my voice and contribution. Indeed, I am still growing a life.
Other thoughts on the day:
-I am def going to be changing the design again. Thinking I'm going to be a follower and go w/ the all white like everyone else. I tried :) There's probably a good reason why everyone just goes w/ the all white. It looks better.
-Meeting w/ Kay today. Thank you God (that I usually believe in). I need to borrow her wisdom for sure.
-Wondering if I will be mature and gracious come Saturday morning--Bill's day to sleep in. :) I'm going to enjoy all the possibilities until then.
-Tonight we are going to a potluck at Asher's school. I dread being social--I will worry about it all day--and then go, fall into conversation with a new best friend, and be one of the last to leave. Happens every time.
Pics of my (still) baby last year at the potluck:
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