I wrote the following last night, but then Blogger was being goofy and I couldn't post.
I've been thinking all day since my earlier post about how I said I had sooooo much I could write on the subject of body acceptance. And then didn't. An easy out is to say that I really didn't have the time to sit and string words together. But, perhaps if I went just a smidgen deeper I'd admit that it is so vast and personal that it feels like an insurmountable topic. One that I am sorting through day by day.
Most of the time these days when I write (no matter where the page happens to be) I do it with one audience in mind. My children. My (hopefully) children's children. What do I want them to know? about me, the way I think, my struggles, my beliefs....
And while I do not doubt that Asher will someday struggle with self-acceptance of some kind or another, it does seem like the topic of body acceptance tends to be a special treat for the female psyche. I choose to tackle this ongoing challenge in my life because it is my hope that I don't pass it on to Amelie.
About four and a half years ago I made the monumental decision to say "yes" to life. In order to do that I had to get really honest about who I was and how I was living. If I had to sum up four and a half years in a nut shell I'd say that I cut out all the bull____. Or at least most of it has been examined and removed. I now live in reality. That probably doesn't sound like a big deal--to say that I live in reality sounds like nothing. Everyone thinks they do. If you had asked me if I lived in reality in August of 2006 I would have looked at you like you were crazy and said "of course." But that's because I lied to myself. Dishonesty is a sneaky beast. Anyway, for what it's worth, I now live in reality and living in reality is so much easier and is basically the only reason I am able to stay committed to the "yes" part of living. Part of the ongoing process of staying in reality is to not make myself out to be anymore or any less than I am. I'm no longer special. :) I'm special to Bill and a handful of others, but in the grand scheme of the whole universe--no, I'm not special. Realizing this is a relief. If I'm not special than I'm allowed to be human and normal and make mistakes and not be perfect. Thank God.
The more I peeled down the layers of this concept the more I had to examine the relationship I had with my body. How much I hated not being able to permanently control the way it looked. I had moments--sometimes long moments--when the control was mine and in those moments I (still) felt scared and out of control and incomplete. It was a tortuous cycle. Being fat, being thin, being always on my way up or down the scale and hoping that it was down and not up and on and on and on...I could think about it all day long. I did. The messages I received around me supported the obsession. If you've ever been even slightly fluffy and lost a few pounds--good God, it's like you've reinvented the wheel. It sucks.
Wow, this is turning into more than I was prepared to tackle. I'm supposed to be making birthday party invitations because someone I live with has the audacity to turn three next week. I need to let it stir inside a bit longer to see where all this is going. There will be a trois.
I've been thinking all day since my earlier post about how I said I had sooooo much I could write on the subject of body acceptance. And then didn't. An easy out is to say that I really didn't have the time to sit and string words together. But, perhaps if I went just a smidgen deeper I'd admit that it is so vast and personal that it feels like an insurmountable topic. One that I am sorting through day by day.
Most of the time these days when I write (no matter where the page happens to be) I do it with one audience in mind. My children. My (hopefully) children's children. What do I want them to know? about me, the way I think, my struggles, my beliefs....
And while I do not doubt that Asher will someday struggle with self-acceptance of some kind or another, it does seem like the topic of body acceptance tends to be a special treat for the female psyche. I choose to tackle this ongoing challenge in my life because it is my hope that I don't pass it on to Amelie.
About four and a half years ago I made the monumental decision to say "yes" to life. In order to do that I had to get really honest about who I was and how I was living. If I had to sum up four and a half years in a nut shell I'd say that I cut out all the bull____. Or at least most of it has been examined and removed. I now live in reality. That probably doesn't sound like a big deal--to say that I live in reality sounds like nothing. Everyone thinks they do. If you had asked me if I lived in reality in August of 2006 I would have looked at you like you were crazy and said "of course." But that's because I lied to myself. Dishonesty is a sneaky beast. Anyway, for what it's worth, I now live in reality and living in reality is so much easier and is basically the only reason I am able to stay committed to the "yes" part of living. Part of the ongoing process of staying in reality is to not make myself out to be anymore or any less than I am. I'm no longer special. :) I'm special to Bill and a handful of others, but in the grand scheme of the whole universe--no, I'm not special. Realizing this is a relief. If I'm not special than I'm allowed to be human and normal and make mistakes and not be perfect. Thank God.
The more I peeled down the layers of this concept the more I had to examine the relationship I had with my body. How much I hated not being able to permanently control the way it looked. I had moments--sometimes long moments--when the control was mine and in those moments I (still) felt scared and out of control and incomplete. It was a tortuous cycle. Being fat, being thin, being always on my way up or down the scale and hoping that it was down and not up and on and on and on...I could think about it all day long. I did. The messages I received around me supported the obsession. If you've ever been even slightly fluffy and lost a few pounds--good God, it's like you've reinvented the wheel. It sucks.
Wow, this is turning into more than I was prepared to tackle. I'm supposed to be making birthday party invitations because someone I live with has the audacity to turn three next week. I need to let it stir inside a bit longer to see where all this is going. There will be a trois.
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