a well intended friend just told me i wasn't really an alcoholic.

this is why i got a few thoughts on paper before going public!  

i knew it would be harder to find my voice once other's perceptions were made known.

do we challenge any other disease the same way?  

here is what i know--

right after i get finished saying thank you for the gifts of sobriety:

life, marriage, children, health, home, safety, freedom....
the exact next moment i will think:

how good a glass of wine would taste.

i also think about it:

 when it is cold (port)

when it is hot (gewurztraminer)

when i'm happy (pinot)

when i'm sad (cabernet)

when i'm bored (tequilla)

when i'm stressed (vodka)
etc
etc
etc

when i turned 29 bill & i spent the afternoon at ghiradelli square in san francisco.

we were at the beginning of our careers and our lives were starting to take real shape.

what did we want next?

babies

we wanted to be pregnant by 30.

so we did what we always do--we started to read & do research.  

we bought a book, "planning to conceive."  

its instructions were to spend the next 90 days getting into prime physical health--

eat nutritiously, get exercise, 

and 

don't drink. 

i began to mark on my calendar the end of  90 days.  

and every day--rarely even two days could be put together--i would have to readjust the date.

i couldn't go more than two days without a drink.
and let's be honest, it wasn't "a" drink.
those don't exist.

i love that my friend loves me & i can see how her actions are motivated from a place of love.
but maybe she didn't see--maybe she can't see the truth.
as much as i love her,
i don't do this for her.

(also, if someone in your life confides that they may have a problem with addiction--please don't feed their ego by negating their words.  inquire how you can help.  if it's not in your present set of skills to offer help, just acknowledge that what they've shared is important and that you love them.)